Hadriel IC Contact

[solvethepuzzle]

"This is Near. I assume you know what to at this point."
Text | Voice | Video
(Good luck ever getting video from him. But if you want to . . .)

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[torrefied]

[Mello taps the knife against the side of his leg, agitated. The only thing worse than making this mistake in the first place is needing to explain it - to Near, of all people.]

What I was thinking, Near? What am I always thinking about? How to be better. You know that better than anyone.

[And that single driving factor is who he is, what motivates his actions. It's a part of him so deeply embedded it cannot be excised.

And it's a significant part of what makes him dangerous.]

It sensed that about me, Near - that's how it got to me. It knew what I wanted, and it convinced me that it could give me what I wanted, and that's - that's not something I can turn off.

[He's always considered it a strength, his drive to succeed. Only now is he beginning to see it as a weakness, and that feels to Mello like failing twice over. He shakes his head, disgusted with himself, and turns back to collecting his belongings from the desk.]

I can't stay here.

[solvethepuzzle]

You outline your issues as if they are news to me. As if I agreed to stay here when I arrived out of ignorant trust. [It's barely between the lines here: I know you resent me, I don't trust you and I consider you dangerous, but here I am anyway.

[A pause here, while he watches Mello gather his things. So far, his line of conversation has not been productive. He may need to switch to something else. Perhaps . . .]

Possession is a very unpleasant affair. [An attempt at empathy, clumsy and awkward as it is while delivered in the usual monotone. He has been through something similar, even if that other self had not been aware that possession would be the cost of his mistake.]

[torrefied]

[Near's not wrong; trust between the two of them has always been conditional at best and coupled with wariness. Near knows exactly what Mello is capable of better than anyone else here - possibly better than anyone else, period. The main variable in this equation - the fact that Near is someone Mello considers important, to him personally - is something that Mello has never explicitly stated to him and is the main reason why he's filled with such guilt over the damage the demon wrought while in his body. Holding someone in such high regard you're willing to die if it will ensure that person's safety, and then causing a very real threat to that same person's safety is a difficult dichotomy to reconcile, and it's made exponentially worse by the knowledge that the demon's real target was Near.

To anyone else, what Near says about possession might sound like a broad, general observation - in fact, that's what it sounds like to Mello at first, and he almost retorts with a sharp And how would you know?, already has his mouth open to speak - but then he remembers. Near does know, because he has been possessed before. Mello presses his mouth shut in a tight frown and stops tucking things into his jacket pockets long enough to sigh quietly and rub a hand over his face.]

The Indigo Illuminant.

[Not exactly a demon, and Near wasn't himself at the time it happened. But in a way, that seems almost like being doubly possessed.

Near hadn't provided many details about that experience, and Mello hadn't pressed him for them because there were more immediate concerns at the time. But Mello remembers that Near told him that possession happened as a result of miscalculation, and the fact that he is making an effort to point it out again is enough to make Mello pause and consider Near's reasons for doing so. There's no immediate benefit to be found for Near in bringing this up, and Mello can find no good angle in which this can be used as a manipulation against him.

So that leaves - what, a genuine display of compassion? Neither of them is particularly well built for it, and Near is far less adept at it than Mello. Before their time here, Mello always thought Near incapable of such a thing, or any emotion, really. But there are things Mello has seen over the past several months - the shared dream of racing toy robots through a maze, the hushed words they'd exchanged in the orchard over chocolate during Sorrow's revival, the revelation that Near liked him and always had - that have given him reason to change that longstanding opinion.

It's almost harder for Mello to accept this demonstration of empathy, precisely because it's such a departure for Near. It means he's making a special effort, and it means he really does want Mello to stay, and all of this adds up to a realization that Mello really is important to Near, and it makes Mello feel like such a small, misshapen child, entirely undeserving of such estimation.

Mello feels that all-too-familiar itch to pull the hood of his jacket over his head and hide from this realization, but he doesn't. Instead, he turns to face Near, leans back against the desk with his head cocked to the side in interest, and folds his arms across his chest. It's a slightly defensive gesture, but it's also an invitation, a silent encouragement to continue. Go on. He's willing to stay and listen.]

[solvethepuzzle]

[Explicitly stating things often isn't the way either of them work, though Near more than Mello. Near is perfectly capable of being blunt and direct, often employing the tactic in interrogations or arguments. Honest conversations are a rare thing and even in a situation like this, he doesn't directly state that he wants Mello to stay; it's all implication. Extremely clear implication, but implication nonetheless.

[Compassion might be a bit too strong of a word to use for what Near is doing here. It's more a cognitive understanding of their overlapping situations than anything emotional. An intellectual exercise of equivalency.

[He hadn't much intended to get into the details of the possession, just pointing out the similarities of the events. What he's said so far has at least given Mello pause, but has yet to reverse his decision. So . . . he needs to give more details? It's not ideal. But it may get him the result he wants.

[He keeps his right arm still, but reaches up his left to wind a finger into his hair. And he focuses his gaze on that winding motion while he speaks, while he reflects. In monotone, as always.]

Another consciousness pushing down mine, wresting control away. I attempted to fight, of course, but that merely got me pushed further down, dimmed my awareness.

[So he'd stopped, for a while. Fighting too blatantly hadn't been effective and he hadn't wished to risk being completely subsumed.]

I was aware of everything that happened. Everything he did. All the actions my body was performing that I no longer had any power to stop.

[It had been a frustrating sense of helplessness, even as he'd told himself he was biding his time to find a moment to seize back control.]

[torrefied]

[Mello chews on the nail of his index finger, watching Near closely as he speaks. It's all uncomfortably similar to his own experience, with one notable exception. He hesitates, debating internally whether he should say what he's thinking. Honesty is often inadvisable for people like the two of them, and it's not something that was ever really encouraged for either of them, unless it could be used to their advantage. But Near is making an effort, and Mello recognizes this. It may be a gamble, and it may be one that backfires on him, but reciprocation is what he ultimately opts for.]

You said before that the mission failed - the one the Indigo Illuminant took you over for. But you didn't end up hurting anyone you cared about, right?

[That's the real issue at hand - the miscalculation was embarrassing, and the loss of control was frustrating, but the fact that he'd put every single one of the few people he cares about in very real danger is what Mello is having trouble forgiving himself over in this whole incident. He's more or less made his peace with Sharon already, but L and Near are both different stories altogether. His feelings for Sharon are deep and intense, but they're relatively new; Mello has a long history with L and especially with Near, and what he feels for both of them is much less simple than it is with Sharon.

So here he is, still not explicitly stating that he cares about Near in quite so many words, but clearly implying it - which is perhaps obvious, in light of his actions back home in sacrificing himself so Near could defeat Kira, and most of what he's done here, too. Mello drops his gaze, allowing his hair to fall forward into his face, and shoves his hands into the front pockets of his jacket.]

It wanted you, Near - your power. That's why it became so enraged that it dislocated your arm.

[solvethepuzzle]

[He is not quite certain how to take that, and thus he files it away for later analysis. It's as openly as Mello has ever stated such a thing, and sounds like a logical key to his final act back home. That Mello feels strongly about him is something that has never been in question, but that particular angle is not one that Near has ever quite considered a legitimate possibility.]

I didn't have any such person. [Par for the course, for the other people he's been. Very few of them had anyone significant in their lives by the time of the Jaunt. And even if he had, so long as they'd been loyal to him . . . Indigo would have had no issue, loyalty being part of his domain, and such. Not that Near has ever bothered to mention that aspect.

[Hm. Well, that certainly explains why the demon had referred to him as "mage". He keeps winding his finder in his hair.] Acts that are separate from you. [In Near's mind, at least. Anyone else, he'd be more than willing to blame for the situation, but Mello is and always has been different.] And the demon is gone.

[torrefied]

[If it were anyone else who'd been affected like this by the demon's actions - anyone other than Near, L, and Sharon - Mello wouldn't have as many damns to give about this as he does. Other people have always been collateral damage in his schemes, other people have often suffered as a result of the mistakes he's made over the years; he thinks, briefly, about Rod and the rest of the Mafia, falling down screaming and then dead in that warehouse last November, and he thinks about Matt, who will be killed in helping him enact his final stratagem against Kira, unless Mello is able to alter that path for him. With the exception of Matt, Mello hasn't regretted their fates, because those other lives were an entirely acceptable cost to be paid toward reaching his goals.

But Near and L and Sharon are different. Mello does care if they're caught in the crossfire of his missteps. And he isn't willing to sacrifice any of them.]

We can sit here and debate ethics and responsibility all day, Near - it won't accomplish anything. That demon may be gone, but there's no guarantee it won't come back, and I think we've both been here long enough to know that we can expect something just as bad or worse to strike before too long. I'm not willing to create a situation where I'll end up endangering you again. You -

[Mello tips up his head again, brushes his hair out of his face, allows his gaze to fall on Near again. This brand of honesty is a bad idea and he knows it, but he's already come this far, hasn't he. This bell cannot be unrung, so he may as well ring it louder. His mouth presses into a thin line for a moment as he inhales a deep, fortifying breath in preparation for the truthbomb that falls out of his mouth in the next instant:]

You're too important.