Hadriel IC Contact

[solvethepuzzle]

"This is Near. I assume you know what to at this point."
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(Good luck ever getting video from him. But if you want to . . .)

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[torrefied]

You could have said something - else, I don't know, something to indicate that you wanted me to stay.

[Mello shrugs, a halfway-helpless gesture in place of the words he doesn't have to offer.]

It doesn't matter, [he lies,] it's in the past.

[solvethepuzzle]

Would you have listened to me? [Mello has long been prone to objecting to what he says on principle, seeing criticism and commands when they are not there.] I left you free to make your own choice. [And never took back that agreement to work together, even after Mello had gone and had so many of his investigators murdered.]

[torrefied]

Maybe.

[Near going out of his way to ask Mello not to leave would have been an anomaly, and at the very least, it would have given Mello a reason to pause and consider the influencing factors. And it's not that it's not important, but what he said is true - what happened is in the past, and there's no changing what's already happened. What's more important now is what they do with this new understanding. Mello pushes the hood of his jacket back from his head and levels a thoughtful stare on Near.]

You didn't really answer me, earlier. I understand that you don't want me to die, and I've told you that I don't plan on it happening again while I'm here. But if I'm sent back, there's a very strong chance I won't remember anything here, and there won't be anything I can do to change the course I've already set into motion.

[And that bothers him more than he'd like to admit. Matt will still be killed helping him, and there's nothing Mello can do to change that.]

[solvethepuzzle]

I know.

[And even if Mello did remember and change things, where would that leave him, for whom everything has already happened? There is an inherent paradox in it all. If things happen differently at home, this person who has told Mello this would not exist; the catalyst would be cancelled out. Or perhaps there would be some kind of alternate universe created if he somehow remembers. But again, where does that leave him? He's not so selfless as to do it for the sake of some potential alternate version.]

But for however long, we are both here. And frankly, it's becoming a bit tiresome for you to take everything I say, even simple teasing, as attempts to criticize or destroy you. [So, in some bizarre fashion . . . he cares about Mello's feelings. Near has no problem deliberately making him angry for fun, really. But it's not malicious in nature. He teases, Mello gets mad and grouches for a bit, they move on. That's how he likes it.]

[torrefied]

What, like that bullshit about what Ebihara said? You think I should just ignore it?

[His mouth presses into a thin line.]

I'm not like you, Near. I can't just pretend that something doesn't bother me when it does.

[solvethepuzzle]

I don't recall saying you should ignore it. [That wouldn't be any fun. Mello is hilarious when he's angry over silly things.] You've simply been taking it for more than it really is, if it's managed to work you into this much of a state.

Or, perhaps, it may have been too early for me to resume. [He'll concede a possible error here, if it helps. He wants to find some measure of grounding, of stability in all this.]

[torrefied]

[OK, that's fair. Within the new context, Mello can see how Near's teasing may not be intended as malicious criticism, and that's different from how he's always perceived it. Still ... ]

You could just not hassle me at all, you know. That is an option.

[So if it's not meant as criticism, why do it? Mello stares at Near for a long moment, attempting to puzzle out an answer with the clues he's been given.]

Is it an attention thing?

[solvethepuzzle]

[Under his collar, his lips pull up into a slight grin. That much can't be seen, but there's a hint of mischievous amusement in his eyes.] It's a boring option.

[He leaves the question unanswered . . . or perhaps what he's said is something of an answer in itself. It is, at least partially, a matter of attention. Near doesn't care about having the attention of others as more than having them about to do things for him. But Mello is an exception to that as he is to most things. Beyond that, though? Isn't it common human nature to tease those one is fond of?]

[torrefied]

[Maybe teasing is how affection is shown in children under the age of twelve - then again, considering the emotional maturity quotient each of them has, maybe that's accurate. In any case, Mello's expression sours, but it's more of an exaggerated show of souring. Dryly, he remarks:]

So you're just a sadist, then. I see how it is.

[But the answer Near gives and the answer he doesn't give are illuminating all the same. Mello never imagined Near wanted attention from anyone - he was quiet, almost reclusive, always rebuffing any invitation from the other children to join them in their activities. Mello has always been borderline-obsessed with Near, but he always thought it was entirely one-sided. The idea that what Near wants is for Mello to pay attention to him makes for a startling realization. Quieter, gaze dropped to the stairs again:]

You don't really have to work that hard for it, you know.

[solvethepuzzle]

[Developing emotional maturity had never been part of the curriculum. They may be adults in the number of years they've lived, but in so many other ways, they are still children. His grin broadens a bit.]

Oh my, an asshole called me a sadist, whatever shall I do?

[But the smile is gone after that. Not so much because of what Mello says, but because its time has passed. He had declined offers to play with the other children all the time. The other children were boring, quite frankly; he'd never been social even before the House. It would be a mistake to say he'd liked Mello immediately, but Near had been interested by him right away. He's the one he'd deigned worthy of his time.] Perhaps I don't consider it work.

[No, he is not going to stop his occasional teasing. Deal with it.]

[torrefied]

[Mello's mouth curves into a scowl, but it's a half-hearted one at best, and it quickly fades from his expression.]

I thought it was obvious that you've always had my attention.

[solvethepuzzle]

It's fallacious to assume there is always only one reason for someone's actions.

[Where Mello is concerned, Near often has many. Nothing with them is simple.]

[torrefied]

True.

[He's not wrong. While people can be predicted to a certain extent, they are still often incredibly unpredictable, too.]

What other reasons did you think I might have?

[solvethepuzzle]

[He'd been referring to himself with that, but if this keeps the subject of discussion off his own motivations, so much the better.]

To which particular events are you referring? [They've discussed so many.]

[torrefied]

Any of them. I thought I was always pretty transparent about my reasons for the things I've done.

[solvethepuzzle]

[Not transparent for all of them. Near still doesn't know why he'd accepted death as the only option after he'd chosen to help him. That much is still unclear.]

In addition to feeling unwanted by me, apparently, you felt your efforts had been deemed worthless by L if they hadn't put you ahead of me in his eyes. [Nevermind that Near hadn't been chosen over Mello, either. That says something.] You left because you'd decided there was no longer a reason to remain there, set out to do things your own way to prove not only to me but to yourself that you were worthy.

[Unnecessarily, Near does not say. It's something he'd always known, was always obvious to him.]

[torrefied]

[Well ... yes. Near's analysis is correct, and Mello can feel his face burn hot for a moment. Before today, he might have snapped something nasty in return, maybe even walked off by this point. But he is trying to understand Near. He wants to understand.]

There wasn't really anything left for me to learn there, Near. And anyway, put yourself in my shoes, since you have all this experience with being other people. [It's not said as nastily as he could say it, all things considered.] Would you really expect me to stick around after losing that much?

[solvethepuzzle]

[When one asks a question, they should be prepared for an answer, no matter what it is. Mello had given him the freedom to choose what he analyzed, and this had been the first particular event to come to mind. Near isn't ignorant of the idea that this would be painful for Mello to hear, even if causing pain had not been his express intention.]

Bear in mind, though, that just as you weren't chosen over me, I was not chosen over you, despite coming out ahead in all evaluations. In the eyes of the one whose opinion mattered most, we were on equal footing.

[He catches the bite in the words, though it isn't at such a terrible intensity.] I won't say that any of them have experienced that specific kind of loss. The one they've all shared is one that we already did by the time we arrived at the House. [Orphans, all of them. Save for that strange place where he'd been a computer program, and parentage had not been applicable.] One of them did leave, rather than take a more comfortable option, feeling there'd been nothing left for him at his home. Your position on the matter makes sense.

[torrefied]

[Mello opens his mouth to reply and then shuts it again. It's true; Near wasn't chosen over him by L, because L didn't have a chance to make a final decision before he was killed. But despite the fact that he works in grey spaces, Mello's thinking about this subject in particular has always been very black and white, win or lose, winner take all. There was no equal in a race where there was only room for a single victor.]

I guess ... I never thought of it like that.

[And he feels rather stupid, now that it's been brought to his attention, because it is rather obvious.]

[solvethepuzzle]

If the choice had been so clear-cut, I would think that it would have been made.

It's admittedly speculation on my part; there could be any number of reasons why there had been no final decision. [He shrugs, almost lazily. He leaves it unsaid that if they want to know, they can ask; L is here, after all. Ultimately, though, the reason doesn't much matter to Near. The result was the same.]

[torrefied]

[Knowing the answer to that question is within grasp, with L here and alive again. But it won't alter what's happened; it would only serve as a footnote in the file for Mello.]

I can't change the past, Near. I can't rewind the past five years and stay instead of leaving.

[There's an unspoken question in his statement of fact - what needs to be done with the future?]

[solvethepuzzle]

I know. [He hears the unspoken question, but it's a reflexive statement, flat and bland rather than irritated and defensive.]

Perhaps now that we understand one another better we can attempt more stable interaction in the future. [He doesn't say "try to be friends" because he hardly knows what that is, and it seems too close for his overly cautious sensibilities besides. He doesn't trust Mello enough for that.

[But getting along better? That may be possible, if they put in the effort.]

[torrefied]

[Neither of them is trusting, by nature or nurture or a combination thereof, and Near is less trustworthy than possibly anyone else Mello knows, simply because he knows him better than anyone else. Information can be a weapon in the hands of people such as they, and liking someone doesn't mean you'll never hurt them.

But everything is different now. There is an entirely new framework for Mello to exist within, and he agreed with what Sharon said earlier - he needs to accept this, adapt to it, work with it until it's as comfortable on his skin as well-worn leather.]

So you're proposing - what, an alliance?

[solvethepuzzle]

[No, it doesn't mean Near would never hurt him or use him. He's done both of these things in spite of his longstanding fondness. Always for a purpose -- when the hurt had been intentional, though the majority hasn't -- and never as an end, but he's done it all the same.

[Here, though, there is nothing he stands to gain from it.] Knowing what you do now, would you accept one?

[torrefied]

[In truth, Mello is already halfway there, and he has been since Near's arrival, when he suggested Near stay in the same house. It hasn't been an alliance exactly, because it's been unspoken and one-sided, but it's been something close to it - Mello is concerned with Near's safety and has worked toward that end, even against his own self-interest.

Mello considers the question for a moment, weighing pros - of which there are many - and cons - of which there are few. The end result of the equation is that it is slanted heavily in their mutual interest to band together in this place. Mello nods.]

Yeah. I would. With one explicit caveat - you treat me like an equal.

[It's really a reiteration of one of the rules he laid down for Near sharing the same living space with him.]

You think you can manage that?