Hadriel IC Contact

[solvethepuzzle]

"This is Near. I assume you know what to at this point."
Text | Voice | Video
(Good luck ever getting video from him. But if you want to . . .)

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[torrefied]

[Being asked to share the title didn't feel like the honor Near makes it out to be - at the time, it felt like a consolation prize. Teamwork wasn't encouraged at the House - it was competition that was fostered among the children there. Mello was certain that if he'd accepted the scenario that Roger proposed, it wouldn't have been a true partnership, because they weren't equals - Near had always bested him. But that opinion had been formed outside of the context that Mello now has, that Near likes and respects him, and has for quite some time.]

I didn't know that's how you felt about it.

[He didn't know Near felt anything at all, in fact - not a difficult position to understand, perhaps, particularly in light of Near's harsh words about losing.]

[solvethepuzzle]

[Near hadn't been at the top of the class due to any competitive nature on his part. Not that he's without a desire to win, but he'd just done his assignments as they'd been asked and he happened to wind up in first place. Every time. He's just that good. Mello had been the only one who could keep up, and that had impressed him.]

I was unaware that the fact that I have standards is so shocking.

[No, it's not a difficult position to understand; Near gives off every impression of not feeling anything at all. It's inaccurate, but not grievously so. He feels little and not enough to allow it to influence his decision-making when he does experience emotion.

[His cold proclamation about losing . . . he has since revised his opinion on L's final result. Even this is out of logic and not sentimentality. "If you can't win the game, if you can't solve the puzzle . . . you're just a loser." He'd come to learn that while L had indeed lost the game, he hadn't failed to solve the puzzle. Their mentor would have had a chillier reception if Near had still felt the same as he had the day they'd learned of his death.]

[torrefied]

No, it's not that - just the opposite, actually. The surprise is that you considered me as meeting your standards.

[If his voiced opinions that day about someone who was unable to win being just a loser were, as Mello thought, evidence of his estimation for anyone who wasn't number one, it's no surprise that Mello assumed that he was included in that group. What use, then, is partnering with just a loser? Not a partnership at all. Mello's gaze drops to the edge of the topmost stair as he runs his thumb along it, pressing a deep groove into his skin.]

I know you said you've been other people before, Near, but I don't think you understand what it's like to be someone else in relation to you.

[Namely, someone like Mello - someone who has always existed in Near's shadow.]

[solvethepuzzle]

The meaning of my acceptance clearly didn't sink in back then. [But really, what had he been supposed to do? Be effusive? That isn't him.

[And there would have been a lot of benefit in partnering with Mello. Near is the best at what he does, but his skills are in a very narrow range. Mello isn't quite as good, but he's more versatile, connects and relates to people more effectively. Thinks of alternate strategies that can throw an opponent off-balance.]

No, I admit I've never been placed in that kind of position. [Even the closest personal relationship one of his other selves had been involved with hadn't been a competition, a rivalry. He still isn't certain exactly how to describe it.]

[torrefied]

You didn't sound like you meant it.

[Mello frowns at his thumb, recalling the memory of that day and how he felt.]

You sounded like you didn't care.

[Which wasn't unusual - that's how Near typically sounded whenever he spoke. Bored. Unaffected.]

I don't think you realize what it's like to be on the outside looking in at you.

[solvethepuzzle]

I realize that lack of inflection can make intent ambiguous. [That's why detailed analysis is necessary. And there is an underlying expectation that Mello is someone who can puzzle out his true meaning if he tries with a clear head. Because he's smart enough.

[He won't waste time here with obvious bullshit like "I wouldn't have said it if I hadn't meant it." They lie all the time, a fact so basic that it doesn't even need to be said.] What would you have me do? That's the way I talk. It is uninitentional. [Save on rare occasions, he doesn't school his voice into blandness. It's just how it is.]

[torrefied]

You could have said something - else, I don't know, something to indicate that you wanted me to stay.

[Mello shrugs, a halfway-helpless gesture in place of the words he doesn't have to offer.]

It doesn't matter, [he lies,] it's in the past.

[solvethepuzzle]

Would you have listened to me? [Mello has long been prone to objecting to what he says on principle, seeing criticism and commands when they are not there.] I left you free to make your own choice. [And never took back that agreement to work together, even after Mello had gone and had so many of his investigators murdered.]

[torrefied]

Maybe.

[Near going out of his way to ask Mello not to leave would have been an anomaly, and at the very least, it would have given Mello a reason to pause and consider the influencing factors. And it's not that it's not important, but what he said is true - what happened is in the past, and there's no changing what's already happened. What's more important now is what they do with this new understanding. Mello pushes the hood of his jacket back from his head and levels a thoughtful stare on Near.]

You didn't really answer me, earlier. I understand that you don't want me to die, and I've told you that I don't plan on it happening again while I'm here. But if I'm sent back, there's a very strong chance I won't remember anything here, and there won't be anything I can do to change the course I've already set into motion.

[And that bothers him more than he'd like to admit. Matt will still be killed helping him, and there's nothing Mello can do to change that.]

[solvethepuzzle]

I know.

[And even if Mello did remember and change things, where would that leave him, for whom everything has already happened? There is an inherent paradox in it all. If things happen differently at home, this person who has told Mello this would not exist; the catalyst would be cancelled out. Or perhaps there would be some kind of alternate universe created if he somehow remembers. But again, where does that leave him? He's not so selfless as to do it for the sake of some potential alternate version.]

But for however long, we are both here. And frankly, it's becoming a bit tiresome for you to take everything I say, even simple teasing, as attempts to criticize or destroy you. [So, in some bizarre fashion . . . he cares about Mello's feelings. Near has no problem deliberately making him angry for fun, really. But it's not malicious in nature. He teases, Mello gets mad and grouches for a bit, they move on. That's how he likes it.]

[torrefied]

What, like that bullshit about what Ebihara said? You think I should just ignore it?

[His mouth presses into a thin line.]

I'm not like you, Near. I can't just pretend that something doesn't bother me when it does.

[solvethepuzzle]

I don't recall saying you should ignore it. [That wouldn't be any fun. Mello is hilarious when he's angry over silly things.] You've simply been taking it for more than it really is, if it's managed to work you into this much of a state.

Or, perhaps, it may have been too early for me to resume. [He'll concede a possible error here, if it helps. He wants to find some measure of grounding, of stability in all this.]

[torrefied]

[OK, that's fair. Within the new context, Mello can see how Near's teasing may not be intended as malicious criticism, and that's different from how he's always perceived it. Still ... ]

You could just not hassle me at all, you know. That is an option.

[So if it's not meant as criticism, why do it? Mello stares at Near for a long moment, attempting to puzzle out an answer with the clues he's been given.]

Is it an attention thing?

[solvethepuzzle]

[Under his collar, his lips pull up into a slight grin. That much can't be seen, but there's a hint of mischievous amusement in his eyes.] It's a boring option.

[He leaves the question unanswered . . . or perhaps what he's said is something of an answer in itself. It is, at least partially, a matter of attention. Near doesn't care about having the attention of others as more than having them about to do things for him. But Mello is an exception to that as he is to most things. Beyond that, though? Isn't it common human nature to tease those one is fond of?]

[torrefied]

[Maybe teasing is how affection is shown in children under the age of twelve - then again, considering the emotional maturity quotient each of them has, maybe that's accurate. In any case, Mello's expression sours, but it's more of an exaggerated show of souring. Dryly, he remarks:]

So you're just a sadist, then. I see how it is.

[But the answer Near gives and the answer he doesn't give are illuminating all the same. Mello never imagined Near wanted attention from anyone - he was quiet, almost reclusive, always rebuffing any invitation from the other children to join them in their activities. Mello has always been borderline-obsessed with Near, but he always thought it was entirely one-sided. The idea that what Near wants is for Mello to pay attention to him makes for a startling realization. Quieter, gaze dropped to the stairs again:]

You don't really have to work that hard for it, you know.

[solvethepuzzle]

[Developing emotional maturity had never been part of the curriculum. They may be adults in the number of years they've lived, but in so many other ways, they are still children. His grin broadens a bit.]

Oh my, an asshole called me a sadist, whatever shall I do?

[But the smile is gone after that. Not so much because of what Mello says, but because its time has passed. He had declined offers to play with the other children all the time. The other children were boring, quite frankly; he'd never been social even before the House. It would be a mistake to say he'd liked Mello immediately, but Near had been interested by him right away. He's the one he'd deigned worthy of his time.] Perhaps I don't consider it work.

[No, he is not going to stop his occasional teasing. Deal with it.]

[torrefied]

[Mello's mouth curves into a scowl, but it's a half-hearted one at best, and it quickly fades from his expression.]

I thought it was obvious that you've always had my attention.

[solvethepuzzle]

It's fallacious to assume there is always only one reason for someone's actions.

[Where Mello is concerned, Near often has many. Nothing with them is simple.]

[torrefied]

True.

[He's not wrong. While people can be predicted to a certain extent, they are still often incredibly unpredictable, too.]

What other reasons did you think I might have?

[solvethepuzzle]

[He'd been referring to himself with that, but if this keeps the subject of discussion off his own motivations, so much the better.]

To which particular events are you referring? [They've discussed so many.]

[torrefied]

Any of them. I thought I was always pretty transparent about my reasons for the things I've done.

[solvethepuzzle]

[Not transparent for all of them. Near still doesn't know why he'd accepted death as the only option after he'd chosen to help him. That much is still unclear.]

In addition to feeling unwanted by me, apparently, you felt your efforts had been deemed worthless by L if they hadn't put you ahead of me in his eyes. [Nevermind that Near hadn't been chosen over Mello, either. That says something.] You left because you'd decided there was no longer a reason to remain there, set out to do things your own way to prove not only to me but to yourself that you were worthy.

[Unnecessarily, Near does not say. It's something he'd always known, was always obvious to him.]

[torrefied]

[Well ... yes. Near's analysis is correct, and Mello can feel his face burn hot for a moment. Before today, he might have snapped something nasty in return, maybe even walked off by this point. But he is trying to understand Near. He wants to understand.]

There wasn't really anything left for me to learn there, Near. And anyway, put yourself in my shoes, since you have all this experience with being other people. [It's not said as nastily as he could say it, all things considered.] Would you really expect me to stick around after losing that much?

[solvethepuzzle]

[When one asks a question, they should be prepared for an answer, no matter what it is. Mello had given him the freedom to choose what he analyzed, and this had been the first particular event to come to mind. Near isn't ignorant of the idea that this would be painful for Mello to hear, even if causing pain had not been his express intention.]

Bear in mind, though, that just as you weren't chosen over me, I was not chosen over you, despite coming out ahead in all evaluations. In the eyes of the one whose opinion mattered most, we were on equal footing.

[He catches the bite in the words, though it isn't at such a terrible intensity.] I won't say that any of them have experienced that specific kind of loss. The one they've all shared is one that we already did by the time we arrived at the House. [Orphans, all of them. Save for that strange place where he'd been a computer program, and parentage had not been applicable.] One of them did leave, rather than take a more comfortable option, feeling there'd been nothing left for him at his home. Your position on the matter makes sense.

[torrefied]

[Mello opens his mouth to reply and then shuts it again. It's true; Near wasn't chosen over him by L, because L didn't have a chance to make a final decision before he was killed. But despite the fact that he works in grey spaces, Mello's thinking about this subject in particular has always been very black and white, win or lose, winner take all. There was no equal in a race where there was only room for a single victor.]

I guess ... I never thought of it like that.

[And he feels rather stupid, now that it's been brought to his attention, because it is rather obvious.]